Practice makes perfect, but if nobody’s perfect, why practice?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.
Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter
Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Note on a door: Out to lunch… if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason
Don’t steal. The government hates competition
“When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That’s relativity.” Says, — Albert Einstein
Anger is only one letter short of danger
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;If he betrays you twice, it is your fault
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Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current
In A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and
Requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
————–
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If
it
gets stuck, it was DC.
————–
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor
around,and put back the bolts.
————–
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
————–
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated
circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
————–
External (to student) : ” Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC
To
pass
through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —
– , OK. DC Comes
straight,like this ———-, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes
UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!”
————–
Examiner : “What is a step-up transformer?”
Student : “A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.”
Examiner (smiling): “And then what is a step-down transformer?”
Student (hesitantly):”Uh – A transfomer that is put in the basement or
in a
pit?”
Examiner (pouncing): “Then what do you call a transformer that is
installed
on the ground?” (student knows he is caught-can’t answer)
Examiner (impatiently): “Well?”
Student (triumphantly): “A stepless transformer, sir!”
———————————————————-
Who am I?
I’M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG.
MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
I’M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, I’M INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.
THERE I’M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, I RETURN TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION.
HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN IT IS MUCH LESS.
WHO AM I ????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN….
down
down
down
down
down
down
TOOTHBRUSH !!! Here I am in action. What were you thinking? You PERVERT!
—————————————————
when my wife is there, she is my righthand,
when she is not there, my right hand is my wife!!!!
——————————————————-
Lady asks her daughter – what is the meaning of Mangalsutra..?Daughter replies,” License to enjoy ‘Kamasutra’..?
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h = a boy can do everything for girls hole.
lady: I am always so tiredDoc: How often do you have sex?Lady: almost every dayDoc:Skip Saturdaylady: Can’t. That’s the only day I’m home with my husband.
Maine bhagavan se paani maanga, sagar diya. Phool maanga baghicha diya, paisa maanga,, aapka number diya..!!
Sardar to Sardarni : “roz roz condom chadana,lagana, utharna is a problem..Sardarni to Sardar : “tusi lamination kyun nahi kara lende..”
Sardar ke sali sardar se boli: jijaji rs.500 do, kal dungi Sardar apni saali se bola : tu Rs.1000 le, par aaj de.
Teacher showing a condom: what is thisStudent : CondomTeacher showing a surgical gloves : whatz this..?Student : “Draupadi’s condom..!”
Wanted wife by Sardar – age no bar, height no bar, looks no bar, caste no bar, sex – bar-bar, hazar-bar, saaro rat lagatar..!!
god to man: go out and enjoy u wont die for the next 10 yearsman went out , had an accident and died.in heaven, Man to god: why didya lie..?god: it was my month end and I had to achieve my target.
a man is doing ‘push-ups’ on a beachsardar see him, laughs loudly and tell him ,”sorry to tell u , buit the women under u has laready left’
Tekedhar ka beta: papa mujhe ek bhai aur chahiye aaj aur abhi..papa: beta is kaam mein 9 mahine laghta hai.beta:papa aap to tekedhar ho..5…7 aadmi aur laga do..
A foreigner walking down chowpatty sees a sexy hijda..he asks – are you a prostitue..?hijda says – no I am a substitute..!
Pls don’t send me cheap messages, I belong to a rich family. My family is into Iron and steel business -my brother irons, n i steal….
a man: bless me god, my son’s a drug addict, my daughter, a postitute, my wife, a gamblerGod: isn’t there anything positive in your life..?
man: yes, I am HIV+ve…!!
why is the position – 69 in sex called smoker’s style..?while she is enjoying the cigar,, he is cleaning the ashtray..!
chaaku se kya kaat ti ho, dhar to talwar mein hai…dupatte se kya dhaak ti ho, maal to salwar mein hai..!!
———————————————————–
quotes of Navjot Singh Sidhu:
any are new in this list …..
1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it’s that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados.
“Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope.”
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives – you never know which way they will turn!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul ‘NOT OUT’ in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T.
“Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands.”
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
30. Kumble’s bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
———————————————————————–
Ladies hostel caught Fire.. it took 1 hour to bring
the fire under control
….. and another 3 hours to bring the firemen
under control.
==========================
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be
the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
========================
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in
the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
==========================
Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was
afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you
prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals
==========================
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were
rich,
Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish
they were married
Married men wish they were Dead!
==========================
How do you teach a girl maths?
Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs,
enter your square root, leave your solution and hope
she doesn’t
multiply!
==========================
Lady : “I want a good vibrator”;
Salesman: “Ma’am you may select one from our range
that is displayed on that wall”;
Lady : “O.K. I’ll take that red one”;
Salesman: “Sorry, that’s our fire-extinguisher”;
==========================
A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of
the child..
The mother said: “I gave birth to him – he’s mine”;
The father said: “I put a coin in the pepsi machine
and a can comes out the pepsi belongs to me! not to
the machine !!”
==========================
A girl says to her boyfriend, “One kiss and I’ll be
yours forever.”
The guy says ‘thanks for the warning’
==========================
A Husband Was Asked: “Do you talk to your wife after
sex?”
He replied: “Depends, If I Can find a Phone”
==========================
Definition of a Gynecologist:
Someone who looks for problems where others look for
pleasure!!!
———————————————————-
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
———————————————————
If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.
Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds……Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of afool…..
I wrote ur name on the sands………….it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air………………………it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart………….i got a HEART ATTACK
Woman takes off her jeans, throws it @ boyfriend n says ” Make me feellike a woman “.
Guy removes his jeans, throws @ the woman n says ” Wash both the pants”.
I had VODKA with WATERI felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATERI felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATERI felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I’LL NEVER DRINK water…..!!!
Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. c hange it toexclamatory sentence …Student : WOW !
The human brain is most outstanding thing…….it functions 24hrs 365 days…..it functions right from the time u r Born….until you fall in love
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..A beer shortens your life by 4 min..A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..
A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia — making love to a dead woman.The judge told him, “In 20 years on the bench, I’ve never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn’t lock you up and throw away the key!”The man replied, “I’ll give you THREE good reasons:
#1, It’s none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and…..
#3, I didn’t KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!”
question 2 sardar?
q1. what is ford?
sardar:- gaddi
q2. what is oxford?
sardar:- so simple, bail gaddi
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
You can’t buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
True friends stab you in the front
Laziness is nothing more than the habit ofresting before you get tired
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job,he still ends up with the same boss.
Early to bed, early to rise,your girl goes out with other guys.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitionsbetween address books.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
