EXAM PAPERS by KIDS – REAL ONES !

UPGRADE ?

BASIC MATH

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

AFTER LIFE

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, I do,” the clerk replied.”I’m glad to hear that,” the boss said. “Because right after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you

MANAGERS & ENGINEERS

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job had turned out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a total mess. After a while, an engineer happened along and saw what they were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.

After the engineer had gone, one manager turned to another and laughed as he’s shaking his head. “Now that’s just like an engineer! We’re looking for the height and she gives us the length!”

MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Management Lesson 1
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Management Lesson 2
Turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wouldn’t keep you there.

Management Lesson 3
little bird was flying south for the winter. It wasso cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.While it was lying there, a cow came by and droppedsome dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to singfor joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird underthe pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

REAL RESUME & COVER LETTER EXCERPTS – Can you believe this crap ??!!

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet programs.

3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6) Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10) I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12) Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free To respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16) My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17) I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18) As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19) Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20) Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21) Note: Please don’t misconstrue my

14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22) Marital status: often. Children: various.

23) Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24) The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25) Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26) References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

LOOK BUSY – LEARN TO FAKE IT !

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom.Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like ‘work’ to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, download pornography from the Internet, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you will get caught – your best defense is to claim you
‘re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail – Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live.Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is ‘Ignore my last message. I took care of it’.If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, ‘Sorry, this mailbox is full’ – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

YOU & your BOSS – Differences

- When you take a long time, you’re slow.When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

- When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

- When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

- When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

- When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

- When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

- When you please your boss, you’re apple polishing.When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

- When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

- When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

- When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

1) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

2) Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

3) It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

4) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

5) When the bosses talk about improving productivity,they are never talking about themselves.

6) To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

7) Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.If you are really good, you will get out of it.

9) You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

10) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

11) If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

12) At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

13) When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

14) Following the rules will not get the job done.

15) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

16) No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

17) The last person that quit or was fired will beheld responsible for everything that goes wrong.