INDEPENDENCE DAY

 

 

Kenny & the Dead Donkey

A city boy, Kenny , moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night.”

Kenny replied: “Well then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said: “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Kenny said: “OK then, just unload the donkey.”

The farmer asked: “What you gonna to do with him?”

Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.” (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery – draw lot -! to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Kenny: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.”

Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Kenny: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.”

 

TRY READING THIS..

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the  ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll  raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey  lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 

Think About it…/

 

Raj was a blind boy, who hated himself just because he was blind. He hated everyone except his girlfriend Asha. She was always there for him. He said that if he could see the world, he would marry Asha. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes and Raj could see again!

Asha asked him, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” Raj was shocked when he saw that his girlfriend was blind too, and refused to marry her.

 

Asha walked away in tears and later wrote a letter to Raj saying  – “JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES PLEASE”

QUOTES – So True !

 

A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.

If  I want my dreams to come true, I mustn’t oversleep.

Of  all the things I wear, my expression is the most  important.

The  happiness of my life depends on the quality of my  thoughts.

The  heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.

One  thing I can give and still keep…is my word.

I  lie the loudest when I lie to myself.

If I lack  the courage to start, I have already finished.

One  thing I can’t recycle is wasted time.

Ideas  won’t work unless ‘ I ‘ do.

My  mind is like a parachute…it functions only when open.

The  pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I  might have been.

There are some things that money can’t buy. For everything else, my salary isn’t sufficient!!

I try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

They can’t fire me, slaves have to be sold.

Death is hereditary.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Well done is better than well said.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.

I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound Confusing.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

LOVE FLOWCHART

MARRIAGE WOES !

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”

I asked her, “Where’s the car?”

She replied,” In the lake.”

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

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A man placed an advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: “You can have mine.”

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A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a  Millionaire.”

“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.

“A billionaire.” she replied.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

HOZZAT ?

Parvez Musharraf, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Parvez Musharraf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

shaadi.com – Marriage Advts from Girls..

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart !!

 

UPGRADE – Girlfriend 5.0 to W i fe 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

“A Troubled User”

 

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING

: DO NOT  install Secretary With ShortSkirt 3.3 under any circumstances. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.