FUNTOONS

 

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SMART 1 LINERS

• shakl se chota bacha..akal se harshad mehta..!!
• Why is there “good” in good bye and “hell” in Hello?
• You drive on a parkway and park on a driveway
• Racecar spelled backwards is racecar
• God spelled backwards is dog
• Why is the word “fun” in funeral ?

7 Principles of an Eagle by Author Dr. Myles Monroe

Eagles were the symbol of almost all conquerors, be it Caesar or Hitler the reason is!! Read on….. Inspiration on the “7 Principles of an Eagle” Author Dr. Myles Monroe:

1. Eagles fly alone at a high altitude and not with sparrows or mix with other smaller birds like
geese. Birds of a feather flock together. No other bird goes to the height of the eagle. Eagles fly with eagles. Never in a flock. Even when Moses (Old Testament Bible) went to commune with God on the mountain, he left the crowd at the foothills.
Stay away from sparrows and ravens. Eagles fly with eagles.

2. Eagles have strong vision, which focuses up to 5 kilometers from the air. When an eagle sites prey-even a rodent from this distance, he narrows his focus on it and sets out to get it. No matter the obstacle, the eagle will not move his focus from the prey until he grabs it.
Have a vision and remain focused no matter what the obstacle and you will succeed.

3. Eagles do not eat dead things. He feeds on fresh prey. Vultures eat dead animals but not eagles.
Steer clear of outdated and old information. Do your research well always.

4. The Eagle is the only bird that loves the storm. When clouds gather, the eagles get excited. The eagle uses the wings of the storm to rise and is pushed up higher. Once it finds the wing of the storm, the eagle stops flapping and uses the pressure of the raging storm to soar the clouds and glide. This gives the eagle an opportunity to rest its wings. In the meantime all the other birds hide in the leaves and branches of the trees.
We can use the storms of our lives (obstacles, trouble, etc) to rise to greater heights. Achievers relish challenges and use them profitably.

5. The Eagle tests before it trusts. When a female eagle meets a male and they want to mate, she flies down to earth with the male pursuing her and she picks a twig. She flies back into the air with the male pursuing her. Once she has reached a height high enough for her, she lets the twig fall to the ground and watches it as it falls. The male chases after the twig. The faster it falls, the faster he chases until he reaches it and has to catch it before it falls to the ground, then bring it back to the female eagle. The female eagle grabs the twig and flies to a much higher altitude pursued by the male until she perceives it high enough, and then drops the twig for the male to chase. This goes on for hours, with the height increasing until the female eagle is assured that the male eagle has mastered the art of picking the twig which shows commitment, then and only then, will she allow him to mate with her!
Whether in private life or in business, one should test commitment of people intended for partnership.

6. Eagles prepare for training. When about to lay eggs, the female and male eagle identify a place very high on a cliff where no predators can reach; the male flies to earth and picks thorns and lays them on the crevice of the cliff, then flies to earth again to collect twigs which he lays in the intended nest. He flies back to earth picks thorns and lays them on top of the twigs. He flies back to earth and picks soft grass to cover the thorns, and then flies back to pick rugs to put on the grass. When this first layering is complete the male eagle runs back to earth and picks more thorns, lays them on the nest; runs back to get grass and rugs and lays them on top of the thorns, then plucks his feathers to complete the nest. The thorns on the outside of the nest protect it from possible intruders. Both male and female eagles participate in raising the eagle family. She lays the eggs and protects them; he builds the nest and hunts.
The people who love us do not let us languish in sloth but push us hard to grow and prosper. Even in their seemingly bad actions they have good intentions for us.

7. When the Eagle grows old, his feathers become weak and cannot take him as fast as he should. When he feels weak and about to die, he retires to a place far away in the rocks. While there, he plucks out every feather on his body until he is completely bare. He stays in this hiding place until he has grown new feathers, then he can come out.
We occasionally need to shed off old habits & items that burden us add no value to our lives.

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QUOTES

Eighty percent of success is showing up. ….Woody Allen1935- , American Director, Screenwriter, Actor, Comedian

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. ….Friedrich Nietzsche 1844-1900, German Philosopher

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. …G. B. Shaw1856-1950, Irish-born British Dramatist

What is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after. …….Ernest Hemingway1898-1961, American Writer

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them…….. Albert Einstein 1879-1955, German-born American Physicist

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal……Oscar Wilde,1856-1900, British Author, Wit

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please……… Mark Twain,1835-1910, American Humorist, Writer

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day……….Robert Frost1875-1963, American Poet

CORPORATE LESSONS

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

 

CORPORATE LESSON #3
Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally play football; the middle level managers are more interested in tennis and the top management usually has a preference for Golf. FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Self explanatory….

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 4
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 5
There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany’s Chancellor Kohl, Pakistan Dictator Musharraf and French Premiere Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true.” The French Premiere Chirac wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is Pakistan’s Musharraf. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SHIT!!!!!!!………

“MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

KERALA KARELA

Pefect kerela script(with their accent)…. ))

1. Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don’t werk hard?
Kerala .

2. Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

3. Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

4. Why do Malayali’s go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.

5. What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

6. What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.

7. Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.

8. Who found out that? His andy.

9. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10. What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

11. Who is Malayali’s fyamous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

12. Why Kerala is the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.

13. Why Arab countreis are looking for only Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Please don’t delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive cokknut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month’s supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free. Ha ha ha

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

3. Hi. This is Jon.. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. “Hi. Now you say something.”

5. “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

6. “Hello. I am Jon’s answering machine. What are you?”

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sato. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8. “Hi! Jon’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

9. “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

10. “This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

11. “Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

12. “Hi, this is Jon. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

13. “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
14. “Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.”

15. “Hello, you’ve reached Jon and Brent. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Brent likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.”

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